Dealing with pg hormones and missing my *stuff*

Sighhhhh.... I feel so incredibly out of touch right now! I'm in a total state of panic over the short amount of time left before Jonah is scheduled to arrive, I've been sitting here crying for the past hour or so because all 4 of my sewing machines were ruined, which is ok, but I have no way to get another one for a very long time. It really, really is freaking me out!

Backtracking first - gotta start with the good stuff, I suppose ;o) I went in for my checkup on Friday, and talked to my OB about scheduling my c-section, which the hospital only lets you do two weeks ahead of time. I totally had it in my head that we'd have him Monday, April 13, meaning that the office manager would put my name on her list, then call today. It turns out that my wonderful, amazing doctor isn't able to do it then because her kids are out of school, and the nanny has the day off. Well, sheesh! I'd feel awful for her to skip out on her kids just for my sake - she *has* done it before, and I felt bad, then, too. So we started talking about Friday (Good Friday for you Western church people), but she didn't think she was working that day. She decided that Thursday, April 9, would be the safest bet for Jonah and me, so I'm scheduled for a c-section at 4 pm CST next Thursday!!! ACK!

"Losing" those 4 days totally sent me into a tizzy - I thought I had the whole Easter weekend to prepare, but instead, I will be coming home from the hospital that Sunday, Lord willing!

That brings me to the next problem. We were able to move back home this weekend, but, of course, everything is still packed. Oh, and all of our laundry won't be delivered until Wednesday. So, I'm stressing over how much unpacking I have to do, and how messy my bedroom is. I can't stand the thought of coming home from the hospital to this mess, but there's no one able to help me clean it all up. And I have minimal energy at this point...

I've been begging Adron to let me go get a darn pedicure, as I honestly can not reach my toenails to trim them. Ok, so I can *reach* them, but the angle is really bad, and I can't do it at all while breathing lol! Making that a pretty bad idea ;o) Can't you just see me passing out while trying to cut my toenails? That would be classic! Anyway, I just want to go get a pedicure from a local nail salon, but we don't have the cash right now, and even if we did, I don't have anyone to watch the little ones while I go. Poor pitiful me, huh? LOL! I know I'm being a spoiled brat about this, but it's the one thing I have treated myself to right before having every one of my babies. Actually, I don't think I did before Madeline, but I know I have with the other 4. As a result, I feel pretty hurt and angry that my hubby doesn't think that I'm worth $35. Grrrrr. I'm sure that's not how he means it, but that's what it feels like.

I really feel like a bad mommy right now, too. For every one of my children, I oohed and ahhed over baby clothes for months, finding the *perfect* outfit for them to wear home from the hospital. For Audrey, it was the dress and jackey my mother wore as a baby, and she actually came home from the hospital on my mom's birthday =) For Madeline, I picked a sweet, gender neutral outfit from Baby Gap. It had a little quilted jacket with it, as she was born in February. For Max, we bought a Raiders onesie when we went to Oakland right after I got pg, and for his hospital pictures I made a smocked gown. For Ellie, it was a little romper/dress with Madiera applique chicks, that I sewed right after finding out that she was a girl, and her pictures were taken in a little dress by Carters. I made a soft sherpa outfit with an appliqued giraffe for Noah to wear home, and his pictures were in an outfit I bought from a mama online. Then there's poor Jonah. I haven't bought or made a thing for him to wear home or for his pictures. I realized that this morning, and totally started freaking out. I don't have time to go shopping, not wiht having all this unpacking to do, and I don't have any money, either. I'm soooooo frustrated! It's not that this wasn't important, it's just that I had planned to sew something, and when we had the fire, that ruined all those plans.

As for sewing, I was hoping that maybe they would bring back my machines, despite them being smoke damaged, and I could use the serger and mechanical machine, at the very least, to get a couple little things sewn. But, no. They didn't bring them back, making sure that wasn't even an option. So, now I'm stressed beyond belief. I need the creative release I get from sewing, especially with the stress I've been dealing with. But, goodness knows we don't have the money to replace them now. And probably won't until the insurace company gives us a check for the damaged goods. That could quite easily be 3-4 months from now, and I'm seriously sick over that! I just feel like it's all so unfair (I know, life isn't fair), and I'm mad at the world about it right now. I just want to throw a screaming temper tantrum like Noah and Ellie love to do! I want to cry and yell until I get my way! Why did all of this have to happen right now??? Ugh!

And I thought I'd been dealing pretty well. Guess not........