Saturday, June 6, 2009

Happy 6th Birthday, Max.

It's been a pretty good day, all in all, but I've been on the edge of tears all day. It is SO much better than previous years, but maybe that's because Jonah is still so tiny and new, and it keeping me more distracted, and my craving for baby Max is somewhat eased. Either way, I really don't think it's fair that I'm sitting here missing him, or that last night was spent making a birthday layout for him, not a birthday cake. I don't know if the unfair part is that it had to happen, or if it's that I can't get past it.

I have the purest, most amazing piece of Heaven sleeping right beside me, but today I'm seeing how much he looks like Max did, and not Jonah himself. I feel a little guilty for not appreciating him more, and not responding to his needs with the right attitude all of the time. I *do* really enjoy him, and love that I can stay home with him and the others, but sometimes I get a bit frustrated by him. I feel so ungrateful when I let him cry for a few minutes so I can eat, or shower, or handle some other mundane task, and I feel like a horrible person for wanting to hand him off or put him down when he just wants to be held.

I really enjoy my sweet baby - those not so proud moments really aren't that frequent, and I do realize that I'm human, and sometimes I am tired, hungry, sad, or even hurting, and I have to take care of me to be able to care for my other children. But right now, I am so painfully aware of how brief life can be, and I wish, well, I don't know what I wish. It's just this little tugging feel inside that makes me think I don't deserve the life I have. As if I somehow deserved to lose Max? Totally irrational, I know, but it is what it is.

(Check out Angel's blog - she made this gorgeous template!)

Other than being a little sad this time of year, life is really, really good. The girls are out of school for the summer, and Audrey is here until next Saturday when she goes to her dad's for 2 weeks. I get her most of July, too, and I'm so happy about that! I am working on getting the house totally clean from top to bottom, and getting my inventory from the fire finished. I need my own sewing machines!!! I got quotes on replacements for the machines I lost, and the total on those is about 80% of what I need to buy Bernina machines instead of Brothers. I wasn't expecting them to be worth quite that much, and I am thrilled! I still have to find out how to value the furniture I lost, but once I do that, we can send everything in and I hope we get it all wrapped up soon! My living room is much more organized than it has been in months, and it makes me feel so much better! I still have to clean off the mantle and the tops of the entertainment centers, but everything else is done. My room is a different story - but it's not that bad, really. The girls have cleaned up their room, and have the littles' room almost done. My goal is to bring down one box of clothing (from the cleaners) every day and take care of everything in it. Doing just one a day, I'll have it done well before school starts back! That is a great feeling!

I've also been creating again! I finished Jonah's blessing gown in plenty of time for his 40 day blessing, I just have to hem his whale gown and sew the slip for it, and I've been sewing like crazy for a friend. I've made beaded pacifier holders, dyed a bunch of prefold diapers, handpainted some wool yarn, knitted diaper covers, and made bows. I am thrilled with how everything is turning out - I'll post pictures as soon as I can ;o)

I have had a severe headache for 17 days now, but started seeing a chiropractor last week. That has helped so much! I actually took Jonah in on Thursday for an adjustment, and his reflux is noticeably better. Now he spits up like a normal baby should, nothing excessive, really, and the discomfort he's been experiencing seems to be gone! I am so happy about this! And he's smiling and cooing now, too!

Noah has decided that he wants to nurse again, so I've been letting him. It seems to be about once a day, and for about 1-2 minutes at a time. He's been quite cranky lately, and I hope this will help a little. Ellie has learned how to lie :o( It's funny that she is so bad at it, and we can always tell when she's up to something, though lol! Madeline is excited to have the week off from chores - since Audrey will be gone for 2 weeks, I thought it would be fair for Madeline to have this week off. Of course, Audrey is none too pleased by this LOL! It's not ALL of the chores, just the nightly ones. They trade off, one cleaning the kitchen, and the other straightening up the living room. Now that the living room is clean, it's about a 5 minute job, including vacuuming. It's a pretty good system, for the most part. Requires us to stay on top of them, but they are learning how to take care of a home. Oh, they've also been making balloon animals, after I checked out a book on it from the library earlier this week ;o) I have pics of some of their creations, but there's not time to post them tonight. Besides, I think this post is another novel already lol!

I'll try to post again when I'm not quite so melancholy - I've got exciting news, loads of pictures and new layouts, and other randomness lololol!


Anonymous said...

Your layout was beautiful! I'm glad my template worked! :-) I am so sorry to hear about Max and how hard that must be for you. You are such a wonderful mom that I don't think you should ever feel guilty about anything you do. You can enjoy all your blessings and still be human from time to time. :-)

Anonymous said...

The layout is beautiful. I agree you are such a great mom. HUGS