Friday, June 6, 2008

In Memory of Max

This is one of the 2 hardest days of the year for me. Today, my sweet baby boy would have been 5. I can't believe how fast the years are going by, and I feel slightly guilty for letting myself move on most of the year. However, the entire month of June is a huge struggle for me. I forget things. Little things, big things, important things, not so important things. I am a total ditz the whole month - I never can seem to get it together.

Five years ago today, I gave birth to the most beautiful little redheaded baby boy. He was so gorgeous and so sweet. And I had no idea that anything was wrong with him. I am actually grateful for that, as I spent the few short days we had with him as a normal mom, not the mother of a child with problems. I thank God for blessing me with that amazingly precious gift, and for allowing me to have those 8 1/2 beautiful days with him. I was tired, stressed, and struggling with post partum depression, but it was all *normal*. No trips to the doctor, no tubes, no tests, just me and my baby, struggling to get a grasp on how things were going to work. I tried so hard to get him to nurse, but he never really did. It was cute seeing him drink out of little bitty juice glasses and 10cc syringes. When he cried, he sounded like a little tea kettle and that made me giggle. His hair was so soft and silky, and he smelled so good. His little cheeks were so round and squishable! His mouth was like a little rosebud, and I remember kissing him over and over. Oh, I am glad I got to hold him and look into those deep blue eyes and wonder about the gorgeous little soul I saw in them. I hoped that he would have brown eyes, that he would play baseball with his daddy. I had to get my drivers license renewed because we moved shortly before he was born, and he sat in my lap when they took the picture. I had a ball making little bitty diapers for him, and loved that he got to wear them a few times. I made a cover for his moses basket that had little cars and trucks all over it - a nice change from all the girly stuff I had been looking at for the previous 8 years.

I don't know. My head is just a whirl of thoughts, and the saddest part to me today is that I feel like no one remembers. Madeline didn't even know until I said something on the way to cheer practice tonight. Adron knows, and I know other people do, too, but I feel like he has been forgotten. I knew it would happen, and last year was the same way, but it still sucks. He is still such a major part of my life, and I hate feeling like there is something wrong with that.

I made this LO of him last year on his birthday, but haven't been able to put together one that I like today. Maybe I'll get it done tomorrow, but I'm not really sure I even care at this point.

4 comments:

Anne R said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - here I was, looking at all the gorgeous LO's you've made, and something caught my eye and I read this entire post. Now I have tears in my eyes - I'm a mum and an auntie, and the mere thought of not seeing any one of the wee ones makes my heart burst...

My thoughts go out to you - a complete stranger, yet I feel so much for you now I don't know anything else to say. Max will be in my thoughts, that's for sure.

Megan B said...

He is so beautiful. SO beautiful. I wanted to thank you so much for the support you have been to me over these last many months. It always cheered me to get a comment from you. Come on over to the family blog, you can access it from this comment. I have quite a bit of reading to do to catch up on your blog, but I've already gotten started!

Totally Less @ Tricia's said...

I am so sorry for your loss Catherine. I am sure it's just not something anyone fully gets over. I am in tears just reading your post. I knew you had lost a little boy, but I've never wanted to ask or press about it. I have a friend who also lost a baby a few years back, and it's just so hard. I couldn't fly to her if I wanted, since I was SOOO pregnant at the time. I sent her No Bake Cookies and her kids lovies. She said it was the only thing she could eat that whole time. I wish no one would lose babies, but then we were actually talking about it today. About how it was easier on the baby to pass (because of his med issues he would have had had he survived), and although it was hard for her, and the family, he is waiting in heaven and never lived in pain. IDK that applies to you at all but it is a consolation to us. Hugs to you Mama!

Not Everyone's Mama said...

Catherine, thank you so much for sharing this!  I'm so sorry you lost Max!  Very few people know that I had a miscarriage a few years before I had Jordan.  So few, im finishing my comment over here instead of on FB. I was very early on, but I still think about that baby and what he would have become if he had lived.  I think, adding in the rest of the pregnancy, he would be a senior in high school this fall., I still get tears eyed when I think of that baby. sending you my thoughts and prayers! (((hugs)))