In Memory of Max

This is one of the 2 hardest days of the year for me. Today, my sweet baby boy would have been 5. I can't believe how fast the years are going by, and I feel slightly guilty for letting myself move on most of the year. However, the entire month of June is a huge struggle for me. I forget things. Little things, big things, important things, not so important things. I am a total ditz the whole month - I never can seem to get it together.

Five years ago today, I gave birth to the most beautiful little redheaded baby boy. He was so gorgeous and so sweet. And I had no idea that anything was wrong with him. I am actually grateful for that, as I spent the few short days we had with him as a normal mom, not the mother of a child with problems. I thank God for blessing me with that amazingly precious gift, and for allowing me to have those 8 1/2 beautiful days with him. I was tired, stressed, and struggling with post partum depression, but it was all *normal*. No trips to the doctor, no tubes, no tests, just me and my baby, struggling to get a grasp on how things were going to work. I tried so hard to get him to nurse, but he never really did. It was cute seeing him drink out of little bitty juice glasses and 10cc syringes. When he cried, he sounded like a little tea kettle and that made me giggle. His hair was so soft and silky, and he smelled so good. His little cheeks were so round and squishable! His mouth was like a little rosebud, and I remember kissing him over and over. Oh, I am glad I got to hold him and look into those deep blue eyes and wonder about the gorgeous little soul I saw in them. I hoped that he would have brown eyes, that he would play baseball with his daddy. I had to get my drivers license renewed because we moved shortly before he was born, and he sat in my lap when they took the picture. I had a ball making little bitty diapers for him, and loved that he got to wear them a few times. I made a cover for his moses basket that had little cars and trucks all over it - a nice change from all the girly stuff I had been looking at for the previous 8 years.

I don't know. My head is just a whirl of thoughts, and the saddest part to me today is that I feel like no one remembers. Madeline didn't even know until I said something on the way to cheer practice tonight. Adron knows, and I know other people do, too, but I feel like he has been forgotten. I knew it would happen, and last year was the same way, but it still sucks. He is still such a major part of my life, and I hate feeling like there is something wrong with that.

I made this LO of him last year on his birthday, but haven't been able to put together one that I like today. Maybe I'll get it done tomorrow, but I'm not really sure I even care at this point.