Tuesday, October 7, 2008


Last night, we all went to the visitation for Adron's grandfather. Ellie and I talked about it all day, and at some point this conversation occurred.

Ellie: "I love funerals!!!"
Me: "What?"
Ellie: "I really LOVE funerals - I am excited that we're going to one tonight!"
Me: "Errrmmmm.... Okay... But the funeral is tomorrow... And why do you like them anyway? I mean, it's sad when someone we love dies."
Ellie: "No it's not! That means they get to go to Heaven, and that's a REALLY GOOD thing!"

Wow. What a profound observation! She went on to talk about how Max is in Heaven, and when she dies, she will get to see him again. She is totally obsessed with death these days, and I'm sure it's normal for the age, but not something I really care to focus on at this point in my life lol! I think she still believes that I'm immortal, but she's recently realized that her daddy will die at some point, and whenever she mentions that, she always says "But hopefully not soon, right?" Sighhhhhhhh...... I don't know what to say other than, "No, baby, we hope it's not for a very, VERY long time, but you never know what God has planned for us."

On a slightly different note, although on the same subject, I think I honestly have the most warped memory ever. Going through the loss of a child is so intense that it makes everything around it feel washed out and faded. I have such muddled memories of his funeral, but a few vivid memories do stand out. The first is that Max didn't look right. Then I remember one of my very dear friends just sobbing her heart out - to this day, the memory of that brings tears to my eyes. Then I remember that I started bleeding so heavily that I nearly passed out. And the oddest memory of all is hearing Adron's grandfather say, "Well, at least you weren't too attached to the little critter yet." Oh, I so just wanted to scream at him! I know he was trying to be comforting, but that is quite honestly the most horrid thing anyone has ever said about Max's death. What do you mean not attached? I'm in love from the moment I see that 2nd pink line lol! I felt this baby growing inside of me - I knew his personality! I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes and saw a precious little soul there! How on earth could I be "not attached" yet!!! I feel bad that this is really one of the biggest memories of my entire life. It's not his fault that he wanted to make me feel better and the wrong words came out. I know that he was a really good man, gruff and loving all at the same time. I know that he brought a lot of joy to a lot of people, and the only thing that stands out is something really dumb. Ack! I would HATE to be remembered like that!!! I'm sure someone will recall the horrible things I've said and done over the years, and that thought makes me so sad.

Ok - enough funeral/death for one morning LOL! We are leaving in about 20 minutes, and it's raining cats and dogs. Of all things, I have Noah dressed in a pale yellow jonjon and white shoes and knee socks. Great for playing in the mud, right? LOL! Ah well. That's life with a little boy ;o) Here's a picture of him on his birthday last year wearing the same outfit:

I'll try to get a picture of him in it this year - it was so big last year, and *just* fits him now. I can't believe how much my little man has grown! He'll be 2 in a week! I've got more pics to post shortly, but Adron is telling me it's time to go. Be back later!


Anne R said...

First of all: glad to see you posting again! I've been wondering how you were doing now :)

Second: Ellie's such a clever kid! it took me the good part of 30 years to figure out that dying actually wasn't bad, even though the ones left behind will miss having the dead one around...
I remember vividly when my nephew was going through the whole "what happens to the dead"-thing, some of his questions were really tricky to answer... ;)

Third: Yep, people say the darndest things at funerals... At school now we've been reading about suffering and loss from a nursing perspective, and a lot of the time when you meet someone who's in a crisis (such as at a funeral...) you have no idea what to say, and being silent feels awkward in our culture, so you feel you have to say something - and that's when these horrible frogs jump out.

I'm trying to learn how to just BE if someone is sad, but it's not easy; I'm so used to _talking_ all the time... Plus it feels like I have to DO something to help!

I'll shut up now and listen to myself being quiet for a while now... <3

Michelle Webb said...

Wow Cat Ellie sounds like she has it down better than the rest of us. Just recently I have had to deal with death twice. My grandma a few months ago and my precious dog Shelby a couple weeks ago. I wish I had half the outlook that Ellie has about death.

About Max's funeral I can only tell you that I was standing there crying my heart out because my heart was breaking for you. I didn't understand why such a beautiful baby had to leave this world. I felt your pain and felt it deeply.

Keep in mind when you said Max didn't look right that none of us do after death, all the things they do to us after death cause alot of swelling and even with all that he was still a beautiful baby. I have often thought about why Max was brought into your life for such a short time and I and still cant figure it out but, all I know is he was brought here to teach you guys something, dont know what that is but he was brought into this life for a reason. God has a reason for everything. Anyways I am gonna stop rambling and run for now. I love you guys and I am glad you have made it through love, pain and loss (and the good times too although that is easier.)

Annie said...

That Ellie sure is something special :)