I'm not really a "worry wart", nor am I an insomniac at all! But last night I couldn't sleep. We went to bed around 11, and my eyes were heavy, but I couldn't go to sleep. Then, I woke up sometime not too long after 3 a.m., and finally got out of bed around 5 since I just couldn't sleep. I was having horrible nightmares, and have been stressing out about my kids. It's insane!
Mostly I am worrying about Ellie. She has had a major fascination with death and dying for over a year now, maybe about 1 1/2 years. Anyway, she talks about max nearly every day, and it is ok with me, but hard to handle on occasional days. Now, for about the past week or 2, she has been flipping out every time I get onto her for something. She starts crying and saying that she doesn't like herself, and that she wants to die and go to heaven. Rationally thinking, I guess she just figures that in heaven, she won't get in trouble, but how rational can I be when I'm 25 weeks pregnant, have already lost a child, and now have one saying that she wishes she were dead??? I am totally freaked out, and she had me in tears over it the other day when she was saying it to one of her sisters. I don't know what to do. I've told her that it isn't her time to die, I've tried telling her that God wants her to be here with us, and that it probably doesn't make him happy that she's being so ugly. I have tried talking to her when she isn't upset, but none of it has made a difference. I think my next step is to call our priest, who she absolutely adores, and see if he can explain things to her in a better way than I can. I just don't know. The big girls never did this to me.
Adding to this is the belief that Ellie is probably ADHD - her behaviors are very similar to the way Audrey acted at this age, but worse, and much like my ADHD siblings. There's a definite family history of it (my grandfather used to tell stories about being chained to a tree in his yard, and the neighbors would walk by and say, "You must have been bad again, Frank!"), and when I started dealing with her that way, instead of thinking she was just being bratty, it made things a lot easier. I think her emotional development is about 2 years behind in many ways, so if I look at her fits as something Noah might do, it makes perfect sense. She's not a bad kid at all - in fact, she is one of the sweetest, most loving, generous little souls I have ever known! She is so curious about the world around her, she always wants to hug and kiss one of us, and she loves to ask questions and get to know the people she encounters. She has the most beautiful smile, and can be so sweet! But there is the flip side where she screams at least 4 hours a day (not all at the same time lol), she sleeps deeply, but doens't get nearly enough hours of sleep for her age, she loves to play with things, ending up with the total destruction of whatever it was, or the things around her. She has absolutely no attention span, forgets what I tell her to do, and has an unbelieveably low frustration level. I really struggle with this child. I love her so much, but I have no idea what to do with her! I can't imagine that her being in trouble all the time would be a good thing, but do I just let these horrid behaviors slide?
That poor baby - she's so excited about kindergarten, and for the first time ever, I am with her! I am ready to have a break from this. Madeline and Noah have never shown signs of this, not to say they don't aggrivate me, too lol! It's just a different mentality. I can see the differences as far back as when they were babies - I bought a sling because Audrey wanted to be held so much. Madeline never used it, and while she liked being held some, she wanted down when she was ready. I didn't hold her nearly as much as I would have liked. When Ellie was a baby, I learned all about different kinds of slings because I seriously spent all day nursing and holding her. It was exhausting! Noah, however, doesn't care a thing about slings, and I haven't used them on a regular basis with him since he was big enough to sit up on his own. He's the snuggliest little thing, though, and loves to sit beside me, or on top of me, but not being held exactly. I am praying that Jonah isn't as high maintenance as the 2 girls are - but if he is, then at least I have an idea of what to expect. And at least it has been every other one so far lol! I guess God knows that I needed a break from the chaos so I didn't snap ROFLOL!